TANISHA DU VERNEY
SENIOR REPORTER

Introducing someone to your child can be as hard on your ex
as it can be on the child and should be done with consideration

Divorce and separation can be a difficult situation for anyone. Beginning a new relationship or getting re-married can be hard to deal with not only for your ex but for your children too.
Recently I have been put in this situation. My child’s father and I broke up and he moved on to continue a new relationship with someone else.
I was enraged that he had a new girlfriend. However, my main concern was I did not want this girl involved in my son’s life.
According to an article written by child therapist Sara Dimerman, The Dating Game, one of the concerns that come up when counselling parents and children through a separation is introducing a child to a new partner.
I must admit that I am guilty of being the parent who was unable to emotionally detach herself and accept that my child’s father had moved on. I refused to acknowledge his new girlfriend as an important part of his life and ardently expressed how I felt about our child being around her.
I threatened him; I had many emotional outbursts and pretty much made a complete fool of myself just to try and prevent something which he made seem as simple as two people meeting. It wasn’t that simple to me.
Many parents feel as though bringing a new lover around a child is no big deal. “My kid is young he doesn’t understand.”
However, registered social worker Lisa Sigel said that while a young child might not be able to verbalize, they can definitely understand who is in their home, who is in their life and who they see on a regular basis. Even toddlers can still feel that someone might be taking away their parents.
Replacement is one of the biggest fears many parents have when their children are getting involved with a new relationship. I felt this way myself. What if my child likes her and wants to go to her house rather than be home? What if she hugs and kisses my son and tries to be his mother? And what if he lets her? I have already lost my family and now I have to sit back and watch my ex start a new family with our son and his new girl.
After evaluating my situation I realized I was being selfish and I, like many other jealous parents, made the situation about me and my feelings when it was not about me at all.
Marriages fall apart on a daily basis; the divorce rate is through the roof. So if you fall into this category you should expect and accept the fact your ex will eventually find someone else and that person will be a part of your child’s life as well.
How soon you choose to introduce your children into a new relationship is at your discretion, but Dimerman suggests children get enough time to get used to their parents being apart.
I take full responsibility for being an immature, insecure, selfish mother enraged with jealousy. But now I have grown up and realized when I chose to end my relationship with my child’s father, I chose to accept that he can be with whomever he wanted. As long as the new person coming in has the best of intentions, understands what our child may be going through and does not push our child into anything that is too stressful, then the introduction should be fine.
The child has already been through loss and separation from their biological parent, and bringing someone else into the equation is going to be difficult, said Sigel.
Both parents need to trust each other’s judgment and be in tune with the signs their children give off.