Jeremy Dickson
Managing Editor

Harrison Ford, Sylvester Stallone and Matt Damon walk into a bar. Bartender says, “What’ll it be lads?” Ford glances over at Damon and says, “I just wrapped production on Indiana Jones IV but I’m already getting in shape for my next role, so better make it a water.” Bartender shakes his head, “How ‘bout you Rambo?” Stallone: “Eh yo, I’ll take some raw eggs, some Pepto, a little banana puree, sheep’s tongue and can you get that into a syringe for me?” Bartender pauses, “So no alcohol?” Stallone: “No time for boozin’, only killin’.” The bartender turns and notices Damon, “So I guess you want a Shirley Temple eh boy?” Damon: “Well I just finished the Bourne trilogy, and seeing as I won’t be revisiting that for at least 15 years better get me the biggest keg of Guinness you can find and I’ll take the 10-stack of molasses pancakes off your breakfast menu please.” Stallone and Ford look at each other, “Kids these days.”

So what’s the moral of this story? If you’re a young Hollywood action star, you better get that franchise series out of the way early so you can enjoy your 40s and 50s in relative unhealthiness before it’s time to pull out the ol’ fedora, knife and running shoes again in your 60s.

2008 is quickly turning into the year when aging action stars return for glory after years away from the camera. The trend really began last year with the return of John “Yippee Ki Yay” McLane in Will You Just Die Already 7.  Even Rocky Balboa decided to grace the silverscreen once more.

Stallone, who surprisingly scored box-office gold with his sixth Rocky pic, decided to keep the geriatric train rolling well into 2008 by revisiting another old friend named Rambo. Two hundred and forty on-screen deaths and a lame script later, Rambo was yanked from theatres last week in England for fear it would not bring in enough revenue after sluggish box office sales.

According to the UK Times, the move was unprecedented.

“Owing to commercial reasons, Odeon has made the decision not to screen the film Rambo across its cinemas in the UK,” the theatre told The Times.

It’s OK Sly, one out of two rehashed franchises isn’t bad, but please don’t make another Cliffhanger or Daylight. Actually, go ahead and make it. It would be nice to see someone other than Lindsey Lohan or Eddie Murphy win all the Razzies next year.

While Stallone soldiers on and the Oscar wave diminishes, all the hype now surrounds the ultimate ageless action hero, Indiana Jones, who makes his return to the big screen after a 19-year absence in Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull on May 22.

Fans have already been drooling over the new trailer for weeks. It looks good, but either Sly’s got 65-year-old Ford on the raw egg diet or Speilburg has pulled off some serious movie magic to make Indiana Jones appear incredibly spry. Regardless, the film will likely bring in massive figures and baby boomer nostalgia will carry on well into the summer.

So enjoy those pancakes and Guinness now Matt Damon and don’t worry about that middle-aged paunch Jason Staitham — you’ll both kick butt again, but you’ll have to wait a long, long time to do it.